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By The Numbers: Ageism In Hip-Hop Doesn't Exist

The argument that rappers must lose relevance after a certain age is as old as hip-hop itself, and artists like Rakim, 50 Cent, LL Cool J, M...

Every Cadbury Product (current), ranked

Every Cadbury product currently on sale, seasonal products, and the Vegemite block, because I daresay it's still on sale somewhere, unless they burned all that stock they couldn't sell.

71. Dairy Milk Vegemite



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The day this bar released in Aus I hit my local Woolies in search. It had sold out in 5 hours. Most places had sold out within a day or two, and the shelves at the end of each aisle were barren. Reports began to come in that it was bordering on inedible, and even the most optimistic consumers were saying it was passable. When I finally got my hands on a bar, I was shocked to see the caramel was gooey, almost like a Caramello. I love Vegemite, but this was just offensively bad. The after taste was like what I'd imagine licking a sweaty armpit would produce. I realised we had all been hoodwinked...

70. Christmas Eclairs


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There are two types of Eclairs/Toffees, and these are the bad kind.


69. Christmas Puddings

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I didn't even know these existed. Are they nice? 


68. Dairy Milk Roast Almond 

There is only one thing more bland for more calories than this, and that is neutral oils like Canola. At least the texture of oil lifts a dish. Almonds suck, they're like chewing fatty cardboard. A match made in purgatory.  


67. Dairy Milk Fruit & Nut / Choc Coated Fruit and Nut

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Trail mix aside, fruit and nut doesn't work unless you're talking PB+J. The textures don't match, and the overpowering flavour of the fruit means the delicate tastes of the nut are completely drowned out. I don't understand why people keep pushing this upon us.


66. Crunchie

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Terrible filling-to-chocolate ratio. Poor man's Violet Crumble. The only reason I have such intimate knowledge of the Crunchie is it was one of the only chocolates my celiac sister can eat. Poor girl...




65. Dairy Milk Hazelnut  

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I don't know how, but Cadbury manages to ruin the mix of hazelnut and chocolate. Even Homebrand couldn't do that! The hazelnuts taste like they were harvested during the Cold War.


64. After Dinner Mints

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There are so many better indulgences out there. Google "Harringtons". 

63. Dairy Milk Milk Chocolate Block 


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Too sweet, too gritty. If you honestly want a decent milk chocolate block buy Lindt.

62. Cadbury Roll


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Name something that isn't better in roll form. Sausage roll, bacon and egg roll, spring roll, egg roll... This Cadbury Roll is no different, as you can see by its placing above the bar version. 


61. Old Gold Roast Almonds 

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Boring. If the almond is roasted in honey or brown sugar it can be divine, but this isn't divine, although the dark chocolate saves it somewhat. 

60. Caramels
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If you're going to have a dietary blowout this is probably one of the worst ways to do it. You'll be picked caramel-adorned fillings out of your teeth for days.


59. Magic Elves
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A less appealing version of the Freddo. Christmas can keep these.

58. Choc Covered Almonds / Peanuts

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Slightly better than their almond bars but not by much.


57. Dream 

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So sweet, it isn't really suitable for human consumption. It's also gritty, like eating sand mixed with sugar. 


56. Dairy Milk Coconut Rough 


There needs to be a moratorium on coconut and chocolate. It's a decent combo, but it's wasting space that could be occupied by chocolate and peanut butter.


55. Dark Milk Range

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I can't work out whether it is the Old Gold or Coco dark chocolate being used. The price suggests the Coco range. I don't really see the point of this new product line, especially coming from Cadbury. Their flavour profiles are certainly sledgehammer in execution. Maybe, in the hands of a better manufacturer, these could work. But they just feel rushed, cheap, and lacking in flavour. 


54. Old Gold Old Jamaica Rum & Raisin


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Rum & Raisin needs to be stricken from the record. Raisins continue to stay afloat thanks to time-poor people who mistake them for Sultanas when rushing through the supermarket.


53. Coco Block Range
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You probably remember these from the ridiculous advertisements. Cadbury has never been known for its high-quality chocolate, and the Coco range will do little to assuage your palate. The fact they are $12/kg more than Old Gold is even more perplexing. Actually, the ads are starting to look like the best part...

52. Clinkers 

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Clinkers are Jaffa's going through an identity crisis. Too crunchy, eat a Jaffa instead.

51. Dairy Milk Top Deck 


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Too sweet and you can't really taste the difference between the top and bottom, but it gets huge points for being the most aesthetically pleasing chocolate in existence (Mint Slice biscuit excluded).


50. Dairy Milk Salted Caramel Block



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We can probably stop making Salted Caramel a thing now. Plus, it's lazy chocolatiering. Salt, sugar, and fat are the holy trinity, even the most ham-fisted hack could make something delicious with these three ingredients. 

49. Curly Wurly 






Might be iconic, but it's a touch too chewy, and not quite enough chocolate. 

48. Dairy Milk Buttons


They're just so much fun! It's like eating chips, you dip your hand in the bag and devour a handful of diabetes. 

47. Dairy Milk & Sweet Biscuits / Crunchy Crackers

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Weird, I never even knew these existed. Cadbury would be better off just starting with a biscuit and draping it in chocolate. At least the sweet biscuit is better than the Ritz cracker with a "twist" of chocolate. The only dairy that should go on a Ritz cracker is cream or butter.


46. Cadbury Mini Drops
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Cadbury's answer to the M&M and Smartie. And there's a reason you never knew these existed. 

45. Drinking Chocolate

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It isn't bad. It isn't as good as OzeChoc, or Nesquik, but it's better than Milo. Bonus marks if you alternate between putting a spoonful in your mug and one in your mouth. It's like the cinnamon challenge, but performed by normal people, not social pariahs.

44. Freddo Faces


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The expressions are probably pretty redundant, there's little time to waste when transferring these from the bag to the mouth.

43. Furry Friends

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These were so good back in the day. I used to devour a Bilby. Surprised they have survived the "marketing to children" cull. 

42. Dairy Milk Oreo, Oreo Mint, Oreo Vanilla, and Strawberry Oreo
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Oreo has achieved a cult-like status in the US, and for some reason Australia must follow. Maybe they see a lot of themselves in the Oreo's shortcomings; bland, generic, mid-range. Cadbury jazzes it up a bit, and the cream filling is really good, but it's not anywhere near top-tier. 

41. Dairy Milk Caramello / Caramello Roll


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Too messy, too sweet.

40. Ice Cream Tubs
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Story time. When I first started taking Seroquel, I entered into a sort of sadomasochistic relationship with Dairy Milk Choc Chip. Every night I'd consume an entire 2-litre tub. I got creative too. Some nights I'd warm it up in the microwave, some nights I'd pour a bunch of Smarties into the tub too. And then something happened. Cadbury switched from the square tub to the oval, and they must have modified the recipe. It went from glorious and euphoric to boring as hell, like the rest of their ice cream range. Cadbury knows how to do boring. Even the triple choc isn't good. Only one that gets a pass is Caramello.

39. Old Gold Original Dark Chocolate


Cadbury overcome their grittiness with the richness of dark choc.

38. Time Out 


Well apparently, as of 2016, the Time Out is no more! It's still listed on their website, I don't recall them disappearing from shelves... Say it ain't so! Maybe it was just in the UK. Hopefully, because the Time Out is easily on par with a Mars Bar, if not even better!

37. Breakaway Biscuits

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There is something special about a wafer wrapped in chocolate. Considering said wafer has been around for centuries, the fact that we are still enjoying its consumption is incredible. To put that into perspective, Madonna has been around for a little over a century, but we no longer enjoy her creative output.

36. Boost

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I guess a Boost is a lesser version of a Twix. You wouldn't kick it out of bed. 


35. Marshmallow Santa
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Santa looks like he ran off on the plug twice.

34. Crunchie Biscuits

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IMO this is proof the Crunchie is wrong. There is half the amount of Crunchie in a Crunchie biscuit, and it's still too much. 

33. Dairy Milk Mint Chip 
Not sure how this got so high...


32. Baking Chocolate (blocks, chips, melts, cocoa)
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The Melts did their job, the chips always do their job. The blocks are decent too, but they're no Lindt. Oddly (or maybe not so much), the white cooking block is a lot better than the Dream block... 


31. Dairy Milk Chocolate Advent Calendar

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These are just incredible as a kid. The psychology behind the chocolate advent calendar is fascinating too. Many people use treats and chocolates as a reward, but the advent calendar is counting down to Christmas, the ultimate reward in the eyes of a lot of children. Are they then being rewarded for every day they are waiting for Christmas?  How is that a rewardable achievement?

Maybe, like myself, kids like chocolate, and it really isn't that deep. 

30. Milk Tray

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There's some quality in a Milk Tray, but also some trash.  When you view it against competition, like that giant Whitman's thing, it's just mediocre. 

29. Dairy Milk Peppermint 

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Delicious. Peppermint to Cadbury is like horrible ad campaigns to Ford, it's their wheelhouse and they nail it every time.

28.  Old Gold 70% Cocoa  

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Wish they did a 90%...

27. Cadbury Dairy Milk Turkish Delight Block

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Just go buy the Fry's Turkish Delight. This one is decent, but the chocolate-to-Turkish Delight ratio is off. Too much chocolate.

26. Old Gold Peppermint

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Not as common as it should be. Peppermint and dark choc is delicious!


25. Dairy Milk Biscuits
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So much better than the plain Dairy Milk chocolate. So uncommon though. 

24. Dairy Milk Black Forest

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Now we're into the heavy hitters. Cherry flavoured jelly and biscuit? The only thing that could make it better is if it weren't wrapped in Dairy Milk's sub-par milk chocolate.

23. Ice Cream Cakes

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McDonald's parties existed only to prop up the languishing ice cream cake market. It's probably some of conspiracy, but it means I can buy one of these for lunch on a Tuesday and not have to book a party. There are no losers in this scenario.


22. Cadbury Easter Range


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Next Easter I will do a proper ranking of every type, but I am comfortable reviewing the range and placing it here. Why does Cadbury chocolate taste better as an egg? It is much like myself, I peaked at my egg phase and it's been downhill ever since.


21. Dairy Milk Rocky Road


Darell Lea is better.


20. Marvellous Creations Range

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Whoever comes up with Creations flavours has, objectively, the greatest job in the world.

19. Dairy Milk Snack 


Wildly underrated! The flavour that oozes out is vibrant and delicious. So sugary, so syrupy.

18.  Flake 


Remember when McDonald's added the option of having a Flake in your sundae? Every single parent of a 90's child does, because that's all we ever wanted. And when they finally gave in, they had to spend the next 3 days cleaning bits of flakey chocolate off the floor of the car. Totally worth it.

17. Roses 

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Bog-standard "classy but not expensive" gift. Strawberry Dream, Orange Creme, even the Candy Fudge is highly edible. Show Grandma you truly care by spending $7.50 on her for Christmas.

16. Cadbury Little Wishes

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The centre is truffle and bubbly chocolate... These are incredibly delicious, plus they support a great cause. 

15. Ice Cream Sticks / Bars

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Cadbury, I swear. The most inconsistent brand ever. Dream chocolate is terrible, but the ice cream is GOAT . In fact, all their ice cream bars are brilliant, even the original Dairy Milk. That crunch is divine. And the actual Crunchie ice cream? Edible. More than can be said for the chocolate bar. That's not even mentioning their mini Choc Tops and Button cones! 


14. Gourmet Ice Cream Tubs (Crunchie, Creations,  Flake, Creme Egg, Oreo)


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Another example of Cadbury's perplexing dichotomy of quality. The Crunchie is the hero here, creamy ice cream with bits of honeycomb scattered throughout, it's everything the bar isn't: edible, smooth, exciting. It's everything I am not in the bedroom.

13. Mallowbites



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A close relative of the Snowball, without the coconut. Not as good as the Snowball, then. Still, pillows of nutritious marshmallow surrounded by chocolate is rarely a bad day.

12. Jaffa

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Quite possibly the most dangerous lolly in existence. People eat them in movie theatres, drop one or two, then the next group are just falling over them as if it were a Roadrunner cartoon. So why don't we hear more about this? Mate, when was the last time you dropped a Jaffa and didn't pick it up, under the strict guidelines of the 220 second rule? Exactly. 

11. Bubbly Range


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Once you get over the fact it looks like a bad case of either ingrown hairs or genital warts, it's actually a good competitor for the Aero

10. Picnic


People say it's ugly, but IMO, knowing what's on the inside, I think it's the most beautiful thing in existence. It took a chocolate to teach me it's what is on the inside that counts. 


9. Cherry Ripe 


I like the way Cadbury does this type of chocolate so much I buy Strawberry Ripes off eBay at great personal cost. Allegedly, a Cherry Ripe will register as alcohol during a random breath test, which is bad news if you're eating 6-10 in one sitting.

8. Caramelo Koala


It was always a tough call to make during school when someone rocked up with a giant box of  Freddos and Caramelos and coerced you into spending a dollar on a delicious treat. The caramel isn't too gooey, the chocolate isn't over the top, it's just a pleasant experience. 

7. Cadbury Creme Egg


Apparently, they changed the recipe and everyone went ballistic.That's how dedicated Creme Egg fans are. They don't look terribly appetising but it makes up for that with a great personality. 

6. Fry's Turkish Delight


Don't let haters stop you from enjoying a Turkish Delight.

5. Favourites


For some reason, Cadbury bars are even better in bite-size form. That doesn't include the Moro or the Crunchie though, both are WOAT and are better employed during Halloween. No kid will ever come back to your house if all you offer them every year is a mountain of your leftover Moro bars.


4. Choc Coated Sultanas
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Sultanas are already divine little pillows of sugar and softness. Add some chocolate to the mix and they will have to surgically remove your wrist from the jar.

3. Freddo Frog 


The sheer number of Freddo variations that exist boggles the mind. 100's and 1000's, popping candy, white, Strawberry, peppermint. Why does the Freddo get to compete as a collective when the Cadbury blocks of chocolate must compete individually? Because I don't have all year to rank each individual Freddo flavour, and they'd all be in the top 10 anyway! Except for Crunchie.

2. Twirl 



What's better than a Flake? A Flake that doesn't flake everywhere. Enter: The Twirl.


1. Cadbury Christmas Stocking


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There was no point to Christmas if you didn't receive one of these. 

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