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Australian Arnott's Biscuits, Ranked

Believe it or not, Arnott's is an Australian company. Even more perplexing, the first location was in Newcastle!

Number 2 will be the most controversial I predict. If you disagree with these rankings let me know!

45. Shredded Wheatmeal
This is a no-brainer. In order to masquerade as a healthy option, Arnott's have managed to completely ruin the texture and taste, so you're left with a biscuit that's still very unhealthy (16% sugar, 11% fat) but also tastes awful. Wheaten's are a relic. They were given to kids in the 90s by parents who mistook them for an option that wouldn't put their child on the path to diabetes. When was the last time you heard of somebody under 70 eating one of these?

44. Granita
Might genuinely be a myth. I've never seen one in the wild.

43. Milk Arrowroot 
Yawn. I'd rather eat the calories in onion, at least there'd be some texture and flavour.

42. Milk Coffee
See above.

41. Chocolate Wheaten 
You know the saying: you can't polish a tur...rible biscuit. A waste of good chocolate.

40. Full O'Fruit
If your parents are in their 60's and you don't eat biscuits often, dread the day you get a craving for a nice crunchy, fatty, sugary treat only to find a solitary packet of Full O'Fruit, and nothing else. Always keep an emergency packet of Scotch Fingers on deck.

39. Snack Right Fruit Pillow / Fruit Slice
Don't try to be something you're not biscuit. You're not a healthy snack. Why don't people just eat a banana? "Snack Right" and it's 56% sugar?! Of course it tastes nice, you're basically eating sugar!

38. Malt O Milk
"Malt" seems to apply to foods with a gritty, unpalatable texture. Not a biscuit to be enjoyed.

37. Spicy Fruit Roll 
The spice mix actually should earn this product an extra star on the health rating scale, because you can't eat more than half a biscuit before it overwhelms your palate. Difficult to get through if Grandma offers you one.

36. Marie
All the pizazz of a broken hip. 

35. Delta Cream
The poor man's Oreo, and Oreo's weren't great to begin with. Decent chocolatey taste though. Always skip this row in the Assorted Creams pack.

34. Crunchy Oat & Fruit 
Beats out the other fruit-based biscuits because it's a cookie, and the texture is perfect. The FarmBake range is quality.

33. YoYo

Sneaks above the others because of it's cool name, it's closeness to "YOLO", and the fact it looks really cool. This picture is also cool.

32. Kingston 


For some reason, the Kingston just doesn't work. Is it too chocolatey? Maybe. The texture doesn't match, and it's impossible to twist and lick.

31. Teddy Bear 
No, you're not a tiny Teddy. You're just a big, weird looking thing.

30. Venetian
No, those aren't passionfruit seeds, thank the lord. They're currants, and they kind of ruin the Venetian, because the icing is delicious. Ironically, the currant has been irrelevant since the 80's. Sultana's continue to march on though.

29. Ginger Nut
There are no nuts in this biscuit, and ginger isn't a nut.

28. Chocolate Teddy Bear
Chocolate doesn't make every single problem go away.

27. Tina Wafer
Not as good as the triple wafer. Kind of redundant, like why would you buy a single long neck of beer when a 3-pack exists? 

26. Nice
Basically an arrowroot but with delicious powdered sugar on top. Somehow this light dusting makes the biscuit incredibly edible and enjoyable.

25. Raspberry Shortcake
A giant dollop of jam that is visible through the top. I used to love devouring these, and I think Grandpa rationalised buying kilo's of them by repeating the mantra "well at least he's getting some fruit in." They're a worthy back-up for the legendary Arnott's Tartlets, likely discontinued due to their powerful addictive qualities.

24. Arno Shortbread
Since the legendary Glengarry left the market, Arnott's has been relying on this and the Scotch Finger to satisfy shortbread fans. It does an admirable job of holding down the fort, but it's no match for a true, crumbly, butter shortbread.

23. Rice Cookies
Hate all you want, but how do you think me and my sister got through our formative years without gluten? These round donuts of joy held us down when Bec's celiac disease threatened us with a biscuit-less upbringing.

22. Choc Ripple
A precursor to the legendary Subway cookies, the Choc Ripple is an institution.

21. Butternut Snap / Chocolate Butternut Snap
Tough to dislike this. Great snap, great flavour. Basically a Choc Ripple in consistency, but the butterscotch gives it a lovely flavour. Coated in chocolate is deliciousness.

20. Chocolate Scotch Finger
Why ruin a perfectly delicious biscuit by putting chocolate all over it?  The chocolate melts all over your fingers, it doesn't snap apart as well and it's no longer any good to dunk. But it's still a Scotch Finger at heart, I can't stay mad for long.

19. Tic Toc / 100's & 1000's
Apparently, these are for kids, which reminds me of the only scene out of Ted 2 that anyone is going to remember, with Liam Neeson.

18. Lattice
Before the Cronut, there was the Lattice, combining flaky pastry and a biscuit format. In truth, you can make a better Lattice at home, if you're prepared to put in the work. Otherwise, do as 99% of others do, pop down your local Woolies and secure yourself a packet. They may not look appetising, but they're delicious.

17. Triple Wafer
Wafers are delicious in all their forms, but with a thin cream filling between the layers, Arnott's wafers are surely what angels use as pillows in heaven.

16. Farmbake Chocolate Chip / Peanut Brownies / Chocolate Chip Fudge / Premier Chocolate Chip

I feel like these are almost a gimme. When I used to cook and bake, adding decadence was always an easy way to please a crowd. The true challenge lies in creating something desirable but not too disastrous to your health. All of this range gets 1 star or less because they're stacking them with fat and sugar. No-one is yet to screw up a fudge cookie, or a peanut brownie. Not to say they aren't incredibly delicious, but they're very safe. And home-made will always taste better, which isn't true for anything else (except the Lattice) on this list.

15. Creamy Chocolate / Custard Cream / Shortbread Cream
Delicious, melt in your mouth action. That "assorted cream" pack is a gem.

14. Butter Shortbread
Branded under the "Farmbake" name, these are a passable butter shortbread but not in the same league as the heavy hitters. It sneaks higher than the other Farmbake range because you probably couldn't make a better one at home. Difficult to get that brilliant soft texture.

13. Caramel Crown 
Sometimes caramel products can be just way too sweet, an overload of sugar. The Caramel Crown overcomes this, yet the proportions are only slightly off. It's like they decided to keep the ratio 1:1:1 choc:caramel:biscuit. Less caramel, more biscuit, please.

12. Honey Jumbles
Honey Jumbles are not just for kids. They're also for woke adults.

11. Lemon Crisp
This biscuit is one of the hardest working and best performers in the biscuit game. It has to overcome the stigmatism of lemons. We drink lemonade, but when was the last time you ate a lemon chocolate, had lemon pie, or drizzled lemon on your ice cream. Yet the Lemon Crisp overcomes all of this, to deliver an incredible biscuit against the odds. The tang cuts through the sugar, and it melts in your mouth.

10. Wagon Wheel 
Source: Close Encounters of the Cooking Kind
Iconic. Chocolate: Good, biscuit: Good, jam: Good, marshmallow: Good!

9. Gaiety
Imagine a Triple Wafer covered in high quality chocolate. It's like Brad Pitt covered in Angelina Jolie.

8. Royals Dark / Royals Milk
Basically a bite-sized wagon wheel, but the addition of the dark chocolate option, and the ability to share them with friends (if you have any), makes the Royal a better option.

7. Scotch Finger
It's been a hell of a run to get this far. There's no coffee/tea/hot chocolate that cannot be improved 15%+ by a Scotch Finger bikkie. It's a dunkers dream - sturdy and with grooves that make for an easy grip. And they make it easy to spot the anarchist in your family: if they don't break it in half before they take a bite you could be in for a rough afternoon tea.

6. Chocolate Monte
The choc-to-biscuit ratio is spot on here, and it doesn't melt in your hands like the chocolate Scotch Finger. Monte is also one of the coolest names for a cat ever.

5. Iced VoVo 
It shouldn't really work. There's way too much going on for starters: two stripes of marshmallow, a layer of jam, and shredded coconut onto a biscuit the size of a Nice. Arnott's are so on top of the production that it doesn't just fall off or crumble all over the place. In fact, it's a very practical biscuit, you can put your fingers on the marshmallow without ruining everything. Let's just gloss over the fact it looks like part of God's biological handiwork, and acknowledge the Iced VoVo is a biscuit that lives up to its hype. Only just, mind you.

4. Tim Tam
I bet you thought this was a shoe-in for first place. Well it isn't, and it's lucky to be as high as this. The traditional, original Tim Tam remains the best, although the dark chocolate and white chocolate versions are very good. That's where things fade away. There's way too many varieties! And most of them are very theoretical: Coconut & Lychee (ugh), salted caramel, black forest, the sinfully bad chewy caramel. Adriano Zumbo decided we needed red velvet and choc raspberry. Yes, the Tim Tam is currently our most famous export, nosing ahead of Iggy Azealia and the shirtfront, but look what happened to Fosters...

3. Tiny Teddy
Now I don't want to insinuate that your youth was wasted if you didn't have a packet of these in your lunchbox every day, but I would be having a stern word with your mother. Tiny Teddy's are an example of why Arnott's is so successful: they make unique and better-tasting biscuits than their competition. The Tiny Teddy looks like a regular biscuit right? Wrong! The texture is incredible, and all flavours are delicious, including plain. Honey remains the top dog, but 100's &1000's gives it a run.

2. Monte Carlo
When I began this journey many hours ago, I thought the Monte Carlo would feature mid-range, maybe sneak into the top half. But as I sat in front of my computer eating one, I realised the Monte Carlo is the real MVP of Arnott's. Tim Tam's are flashy, Tiny Teddy's are gimmicky, Iced VoVo trades of how unique it is, but the Monte Carlo is just a brilliant biscuit, able to transcend tastes and audiences like no other biscuit on this list. They say Lego is suitable for ages 4-99, and I'd argue the Monte Carlo is the only biscuit on this list that would be enjoyed and savoured by that entire age range. When was the last time you were at a gathering with an Assorted Creams tray that didn't run out of Monte Carlo first? Exactly.

P.S. Try the twist and lick. Perfect distribution of filling on either side every time.

1. Mint Slice  
A show-stopper. The Mint Slice is like Ryan Reynolds: symmetrical and aesthetically smooth, the perfect mix of funny, intelligent, and talented, and something you can't just have one of. Which is why we have Ryan Gosling. It's a dessert, it's a snack, it's a celebratory food, I've even justified it being a breakfast food because it made my breath smell nice. Pro-tip: Put them in the fridge. The extra snap when you bite into it is addictive.

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