25 Year Old Man Arrested After Showing No Desire to Travel

Local police raided the house of Surry Hills resident Jake Saumon last night, after receiving a tip from a concerned friend that he hadn't posted a single travel-related image, quote, or status on his Facebook or Instagram in the past 7 years. The friend also claimed he hadn't once left a comment on any of the photos she has taken in front of the departure sign at Sydney Airport.

What police discovered upon entering his apartment was just as disturbing. Not a single festival wrist band, no map of the world with thumbtacks marking visited countries, and not even a suitcase, or anything that could be used as such. They arrested him on charges of disturbing the peace, and it's believed they'll argue he is a disruption to societal norms.

Chief investigator Smith told the media:
"It's concerning, there's no doubting that. He's 25, with few commitments and a fair bit of disposable income. What kind of person doesn't want to spend every meagre dollar they earn flying to an Instagrammable country to sleep in a room with 10 other sweaty, smelly travellers who all share a bathroom?"
At the preliminary hearing this morning, Saumon was denied bail, after his lawyers were unsuccessful in convincing the judge he was a flight risk. Saumon's legal team read a prepared statement to the media after the hearing:
"I don't believe the world is a book, and your home is only the first page. I don't believe in credit cards and Contiki tours. I have no desire to sit on a giant floating disease raft for 12 days, gaining 12 kgs in weight and a case of gastro. I have no desire to travel. I'd prefer to save my money, put a deposit on a house, and maybe start a young family. Does that make me a criminal?"
There are rumours circulating that Saumon doesn't even own an updated passport. If this is true, it's likely he'll have to endure an extended period behind bars, and will be required to undergo intense therapy designed to help him break free from his comfort zone and become an acceptable member of society. 

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